If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.