If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

You Might Also Like


I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.


Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem


Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?


I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist


You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.


my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u


good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*


Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos


She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.