I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…
~ No weirdos
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.