@Bob_Janke

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

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@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

@HughGoesThere

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

@OfficeofSteve

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

@thedadvocate01

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

@murrman5

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

@PoliceBadBoy

Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos

@CruisinSoozan

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.