@Bob_Janke

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

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@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

@Cheeseboy22

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

@DrakeGatsby

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@thesulk

When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck