[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The news in a nutshell.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand