If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.


When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.

*gets arrested for trespassing


Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.


Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.


[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.


If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars


If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops


‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher


Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.