If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
How to make infinite energy.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends