If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??