If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The three genders
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
choose your gary
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.