If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
You Might Also Like
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this