If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Thursday
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.