If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach