She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
nice challenge
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.