And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking
ME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.