If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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was Jim off killing horses or…
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
crazy
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
There are usually two types of merchants.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.