@IncredibleCulk

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

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@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

@BeCoco77

I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”

@themiltron

[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave

@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

@TheMichaelRock

Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.

@Mardigroan

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

@_ElvishPresley_

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

@better_off_dad

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.