[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”
elon: say the thing
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.