If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Best spot.. 😅
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
These are too funny not to post 😂
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Lmao 🤣
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!