If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The happy life.. 😊
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet