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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.