If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I think they could have phrased this better
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.