My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
happy valentine’s day to me
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Fiction has to make sense.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
love pickles so much i put myself in one
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically