If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened