@turd_firebird

If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.

You Might Also Like

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

@Staggfilms

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

@killazilla

My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.

@morninggloria

A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets

@TakeForGrantd

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

@thedad

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

@thatdutchperson

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

@aecide

Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.