kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.
A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.