“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
You Might Also Like
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
#NeverForget
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Something Saturday.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?