@Sarcasticsapien

If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.

If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.

- @Sarcasticsapien

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@sickipediabot

“If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open.” said the boss at my new job.

“Why do you need a door then?” I asked him.

@kwirkyKerri

I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.

@Aspersioncast

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@UncleDuke1969

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

@Reverend_Scott

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@TheUnderfold

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.