[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
December birthdays be like…
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?