@Sarcasticsapien

If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.

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@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

@itsqueenbeebish

Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

@bransonbranson

*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’

@Schmoodles

Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.

@markydoodoo

[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.

@fro_vo

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

@MasterOfFury

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

@omgthatspunny

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?

@BlindChow

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit