*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER