Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?