I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.