If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
This pepper has seen some shit
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.