If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
You Might Also Like
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
This line from Airplane.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.