If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
A leaf blower, but for people.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.