If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
john wicks are toilet candles
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.