If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

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“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight


If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.


*shaves ‘I ? Dogs’ into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*


*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.


My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.


9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”


I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That’s not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.


friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower