If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
You Might Also Like
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
FINE, I WON’T.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?