“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.
*shaves ‘I ? Dogs’ into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That’s not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower