If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

You Might Also Like


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…


If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.


Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”


I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.


Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?

Thanks for following.


Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.


If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU


Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.