If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
WHO DID THIS?
Everyone’s family
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs