@TragicAllyHere

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

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@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

@CopBroughtPizza

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

@tarrynklaudia_x

If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@KentWGraham

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

@Not_The_Rule

Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?

Thanks for following.

@JennInTheCorner

Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.

@kelkulus

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.