If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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Rt to bother an English speaker
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
step 6: release the wall snake
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?