My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.