If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.


My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.


*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.


“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King


In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy


My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.