Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her