@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

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@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@WheelTod

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

@SondraDeeMe

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

@ArfMeasures

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

@truegritrumble

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

@bobvulfov

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

@CruzKayne

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her