Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”