If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Breaking news:
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*orders delivery*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror