If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?