your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…