@BlondAmbitionTO

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

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@JonBaker

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

@cupcakelynda

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

@Book_Krazy

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

@junejuly12

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

@coolauntV

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

@treydayway

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

@KeetPotato

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…