If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.


me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute


[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?


Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.


A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.


Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow


Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.


-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.