If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
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It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.