If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
You Might Also Like
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
He a real one for that
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.