@NYC_Blonde

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

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@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

@Aikiwomannc

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

@747boozybri

Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

@GonePhish

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

@Bandersnaaatch

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.