DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
roses are red
tulips are fun
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.