As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don’t fit me very well
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month
[five minutes later]
youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
more like Clifford the Big Red Reason we are Homeless