If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

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As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself

God these don’t fit me very well


At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.


youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month

me: no

[five minutes later]

youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month


Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.


As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.


“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”


[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that


inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?


Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.