If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?