@envydatropic

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

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@bighandsmassuer

As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself

God these don’t fit me very well

@deardilettante

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

@randypaint

youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month

me: no

[five minutes later]

youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month

@MirrorAdvice

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

@HomeWithPeanut

As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.

@huntigula

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

@Browtweaten

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

@rickygervais

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.