*removes my teeth with her bra*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.
Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*
Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”
Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[answers my phone]
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Him-You have the most beautiful lips.
Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.