If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

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Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down


If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.


When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”


Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!


Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.


Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?


Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.


mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not