Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
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If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not