If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)