interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]