@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

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@Phillylawyer7

Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet

@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@sixfootcandy

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

@Home_Halfway

Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

@Not_From_Troy

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@WheelTod

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.