If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You Might Also Like
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
spot the difference
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.