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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away