If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
White parent Vs Arab parents
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I have never related to anyone more.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Buck naked
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time