@leapeajo

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

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@lizetagge

I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…

@LostFelicia

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

@juliussharpe

Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.

@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@Mom_Overboard

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

@LeonEarlgrey

If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.