I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .
Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.