I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”
Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.
my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?
Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.