If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

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I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks


[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail


I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”


If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did


It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.


Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.


Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.


my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?


Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.