Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Bill Clinton hiding in the Bushes: