If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
“our sushi is very fresh”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.