If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Solving a traffic jam
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions