Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.